


Holding Back and Letting Go

by DarnItTumbleweed



Series: Crush Series: Jimmy Palmer X Reader [4]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Anxiety, Crime, Declarations Of Love, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Making Love, Past Abuse, Romance, season five
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:47:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28906578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarnItTumbleweed/pseuds/DarnItTumbleweed
Summary: Fourth part of the Crush Series. As Jimmy and Y/N's relationship moves in a more intimate direction a case where Jimmy's life is threatened causes some self doubt and some realizations for both Jimmy and Y/N.Takes place during season five episode seventeen "About Face"
Relationships: Jimmy Palmer/Reader
Series: Crush Series: Jimmy Palmer X Reader [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2119974
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

Y/N couldn’t stop the smile from leaving her lips as she held Jimmy’s hand in hers leading him into her apartment complex. It was late, she was honestly shocked that Ducky had kept them both out so late. She’d assumed the doctor was the type to go to bed early and wake early. She guessed she should have known better though. He probably had long ago learned to handle a late-night given all those late nights he’d spent at Autopsy.

Still, though she’d been shocked that as the hours had gone on Ducky hadn’t seemed to be in too big of a rush to have Jimmy and she leave his home. It seemed that Dr. Mallard loved to entertain. 

The dinner had been delicious, and they’d been able to relax with Ducky long after dinner listening to his seemingly never-ending abundance of tales from his youth. It had been a relaxing night after such a stressful work-week. 

She’d been surprised when Jimmy had come to her during their usual lunch break today and had told her about the offer to have dinner at Ducky’s home tonight. Jimmy had seemed almost hesitant to ask her, a small part of him fearing that she might not be too keen to spend her Friday night at a spontaneous dinner with Dr. Mallard. What if she already had plans for them tonight that didn’t involve their colleagues? 

He’d felt foolish for even second-guessing telling her about the invitation. She had so enthusiastically said yes. It was clear that Y/N enjoyed spending time with Dr. Mallard just as much as Jimmy did. She liked listening to his stories. She was one of the few people aside from Jimmy who didn’t interrupt Dr. Mallard when he got started on some long tangent. She wouldn’t say no to a dinner invite without a good reason to do so, especially not an invite from Ducky. 

She was unable to hold back the laughter as Jimmy and she reached her front door and Jimmy spoke asking her the same question he’d asked her at least four times since they’d left Dr. Mallard’s house tonight. “Are you sure you had fun tonight?”

She was tempted to ask him if he thought she might change her answer if he kept asking her the same question. She held in the somewhat snarky comment though choosing instead to give him a reassuring smile. “Yes, I had a great time.”

She spoke again as they entered her apartment, they both ridding themselves of their coats. “I did severely underestimate the amount of dogs Ducky owns though. I didn’t expect the insane amount of corgis I was going to be exposed to tonight.”

Jimmy chuckled unable to wipe the smile from his lips as he remembered how she’d been so delighted by the dogs. Jimmy had been unable to stop his heart from swooning at the smile on Y/N’s face as Ducky had granted her permission to pet the dogs, being mindful of course to watch Tyson, the corgi who had gotten his namesake for the bites he delivered.

Jimmy had stood by watching his girlfriend kneel in a cluster of corgis laughing as she’d jokingly lamented over not having enough hands to pet them all at once. He’d felt his heart swoon all the more as they’d sat on a sofa after dinner one of the corgi’s leaning its head against her leg wanting her to please continue the pre-dinner petting. 

Jimmy spoke as he watched Y/N remove her jewelry dropping it in a dish sitting on an entryway table. She’d long ago learned she’d lose her earrings if she didn’t have some sort of dish to drop them in given her habit of removing her heavier earrings the moment she got home. “Yeah, Mrs. Mallard loves her dogs. I think they drive Dr. Mallard crazy, but he tolerates them for her sake. He says that they bring her a lot of joy and some security.”

Y/N kicked her shoes off dropping her purse with her coat on a hook she’d hung by the front door. “They are definitely loud. To be honest, I was pretty relieved when they went to bed with Mrs. Mallard. As cute as they were, I can so see how Ducky might get pretty tired of the constant barking.”

She dropped down onto the sofa making Jimmy chuckle as she opened her arms to him silently signaling exactly what she wanted.

He dropped down beside her finding it so easy to allow her to snuggle against him, his arms encircling her waist as she rested her head against his chest. This was a sitting position they’d grown accustomed to. Jimmy always felt that it filled him with such a sense of peace and reassurance. He liked holding her against him. He loved how she would rest her head against his chest. He loved the feel of her in his arms. She felt so delicate against him. He felt like he could keep her safe. He loved how she’d wrap her arms around his torso snuggling him just as tightly as he cuddled her. 

He was unable to stop himself from pressing the issue no matter how many times she’d reassured him that she had in fact had a good time tonight. “I was just worried that things would get uncomfortable tonight. I felt like I maybe didn’t prepare you for Mrs. Mallard as well as I should have. Occasionally she has a bad reaction to women…I mean she loves Abby…but I don’t think I’ve strangely ever seen her have a good reaction to any other woman…I-I uh, not-not that I’m bringing other women to dinners at Dr. Mallard’s home. You’re the first girl I’ve brought to Dr. Mallard’s house.”

He paused clearing his throat relieved that she seemed unfazed by his usual ability to shove his foot into his mouth. He spoke again clearing up his statement. “I uh, I just know about Mrs. Mallard’s usual reactions to women judging from Dr. Mallard’s stories….I’m just relieved that she seemed to like you.”

Y/N spoke a small laugh leaving her. She was unable to stop herself from teasing him bringing up an awkward moment from tonight. “Yeah, she liked me well enough to think that I was Ducky’s girlfriend and not yours.”

Jimmy cringed at the memory of Victoria Mallard pestering Y/N at the dinner table that she should press Donald to have children soon because he wasn’t getting any younger and neither was Y/N. She’d spoken to Y/N rather bluntly over her glass of wine. “If you wait on Donald to decide he wants children, then you’ll never have children. You should do it sooner than later. Trust me, you don’t want to wait too long to have babies. I waited too long with Donald, it’s why his head was so large. He nearly ripped me in two. Take advantage of your youth.”

This of course had earned some scolding and some rather frantic apologies from Ducky. He’d groaned so fast to speak to Mrs. Mallard. “For the last time mother, Y/N is Mr. Palmer’s girlfriend and my coworker. We aren’t romantically involved. I’m so sorry Y/N.”

Thankfully, Y/N had been understanding enough to know that Mrs. Mallard’s comments were a side effect of her declining mental state. Mrs. Mallard was well into her nineties now and she had the right to be confused at times. 

Jimmy shook his head at this though he couldn’t stop the small half-smile from crossing his lips. “Yeah, and she thought I was a butler that they apparently had when Ducky was a kid…which I’m pretty used to by now. I’ve learned to respond to the name Leonard when it comes to Mrs. Mallard.”

Y/N chuckled remembering the look of absolute resignation on Ducky’s face when Mrs. Mallard had turned to Jimmy the second they’d arrived for dinner, so fast to speak. “Leonard, go fetch me an old fashioned.” 

It had seemed as though Jimmy was far accustomed to it by now given how many dinners he’d spent at the Mallard residence. At least Mrs. Mallard had gotten new dentures meaning she no longer had to puree her meals. No, dinner at the Mallard residence was never without some sense of strangeness.

Y/N spoke giving Jimmy’s chest a reassuring pat. “I kind of knew what I was walking into. I mean…Ducky’s mentioned his mom before. I know she’s got some dementia going on. I wasn’t too surprised by it. I’m glad I agreed to dinner. I figured I owed it to Ducky, given all the times I’ve rain-checked dinner invites from him.”

Jimmy furrowed his brow the words falling from him confusion washing over him. “Dr. Mallard has invited you to dinner before?”

Y/N smiled a little amused by his obvious confusion. “Yeah, twice before. The first time I got sick, so I had to cancel. The second time I came home to find that the sink in my apartment was leaking everywhere thanks to a busted pipe which created a bunch of chaos that stopped me from being able to go out. I felt bad for having to cancel, so I was relieved to actually be able to finally take him up on a dinner invite.”

Jimmy nodded his head it suddenly clicking together. There had been a couple of dinners he’d had at Ducky’s where Ducky had frantically taken away an extra place setting commenting that the other guest, he’d invited, had something come up. He’d never told Jimmy that Y/N was that other guest.

Jimmy spoke recalling the conversation he’d had with Ducky a few weeks before. “I think those dinner invites may have been Dr. Mallard attempting to set us up…actually I know they were. He admitted to me that he was trying to set us up.”

Y/N tilted her head to the side a little stunned by this piece of information though, to be honest, she had her suspicions. She had of course noticed that Ducky did seem to invite both Jimmy and her only out to lunch quite often. She of course had noticed he always seemed to create a seating arrangement that would require them to sit near one another if Abby or anyone else happened to join them for lunch. 

She had definitely suspected that Dr. Mallard had some ulterior motives for all those lunch and dinner invitations, but she was surprised to hear that he’d so bluntly admitted it.

She couldn’t stop herself from pointing out the obvious. “I guess that makes sense…I mean he wasn’t the only one who was pestering us…Abby was less secretive in her attempts to get us together. She kept hassling me about asking you on a date. I kept telling her that she was seeing things that weren’t there…I mean it felt like you really seemed to struggle when it came to talking to me.”

Jimmy cringed at the memory of his less than smooth attempts to have a conversation with Y/N after she’d gotten hired on with NCIS. He could barely manage to make small talk with her without it turning into a total disaster. Most of the time he managed to be a stuttering mess. So, he’d found it easier to avoid talking to her for too terribly long. 

Y/N let out a small laugh her cheeks flushing she feeling embarrassed to admit it. “To be honest, when we first met, I spent a few weeks thinking you must really dislike me. I was actually pretty convinced you hated me.”

Jimmy frowned at this information silently searching his brain for whatever he could have done to give her the impression that he disliked her.

Y/N answered the question for him. “I took your awkwardness around me as you just disliking me. I mean you seemed so nervous and I read it as you just flat out not liking me. I just remembered the first day we met was when Tony dragged me into Autopsy to watch Ducky and you perform an autopsy for those probationary agents. It was my first week working at NCIS and Tony was trying to freak me out by showing me an autopsy. I commented to him that dead bodies didn’t bother me because of my grandparents’ funeral home…and then I compared embalming to autopsies pointing out that even though they were vastly different in a lot of ways I still had seen a dead body before and wasn’t shocked given that a few of those bodies had had autopsies before they arrived on my grandfather’s embalming table. I commented that the smell wasn’t nice, and the sight wasn’t pleasant but I wasn’t going to puke. I was trying not to talk too loudly but I knew Ducky and you heard me. You were super awkward and quiet around me after that. So, I spent a few weeks convinced I’d somehow offended you by my comments to Tony. I thought that perhaps my comparison of autopsies and embalming maybe struck a nerve or you didn’t like my nonchalance about the deceased…or you know maybe you found it tacky that I’d let Tony drag me down there in the first place to gawk. So, yeah…I literally spent weeks thinking you hated my guts.”

Jimmy was so quick to speak wanting to go back in time and shake his past self for being such a mess. “I absolutely did not hate you. It was the total opposite of that. I loved your comment to Tony. I mean…I-I I’m pretty accustomed to people finding my profession odd. I’m used to it making people uncomfortable. No one likes to think about their own mortality. It’s made dating pretty complicated at times. So, I was just in awe that this beautiful woman walked right into autopsy and didn’t seem to be freaked out or think that my profession was strange. I was so into you right from the start. I mean…just absolute adoration at first sight.”

He paused his cheeks flushing at the last part of his statement. He spoke again before she had time to press it. “I was just too much of an awkward mess to have any sort of idea of how to actually speak to you. I kept imagining all the ways it could go wrong.”

She smiled at this shaking her head. “I finally realized that you didn’t hate me after we all went out to that bar after those first few weeks. You actually managed to have a conversation with me for the first time…You told me about a class you wanted to take at Georgetown…I think the fact that everyone was a little tipsy helped you feel more comfortable talking to me. You were so nice to me, and it hit me that I was just being an insecure nut thinking you had some weird vendetta against me. I just figured you were socially anxious after that given that you returned to being pretty awkward around me after that night out.”

Jimmy felt his own cheeks flush once again wanting to shake his past self for returning right back to being so hopelessly awkward around Y/N after that night out. He spoke deciding to just admit it. “I was such a mess. I liked you so much and I felt like I was in middle school all over again, just clueless and anxious when it came to a pretty girl I was so into. To be honest right around the time you got hired I was kind of nursing a wounded ego when it came to romance. Michelle and I had just broken up a few months before and I was kind of struggling to rebuild my confidence and then you walked into my life and I was so crazy about you but too much of a walking disaster to do anything about it.”

He paused his eyes growing wide when he realized the bit of information he’d just shared. Y/N picked up on it too her head tilting the side as she spoke the familiarity of the name clicking with her. She’d only met the woman once given that she worked in the legal division at NCIS. “Michelle, as in Agent Lee?”

Jimmy cringed sure that he’d really shoved his foot into his mouth and this time he wasn’t going to manage to yank it out. “Yes, I mean…our relationship pretty much consisted of us sleeping together…mostly at work.”

He cringed even more spotting the slight furrow to her brow at this chunk of information. He spoke again knowing he was too far in to back out now. “I was the one who broke up with her. I wanted more than just hooking up and I just felt used. The breakup was really civil. We both just wanted different things. It still hurt though…feeling so used.”

He paused again taking a deep breath needing to say the words. “Does it bother you?”

Y/N furrowed her brow further parting her lips to speak but Jimmy spoke again the words spilling from him he was convinced he’d gone and screwed everything up thanks to his giant mouth. “Because I know it’s uncomfortable and a mess and I don’t want you to think that I think of you as some kind of rebound or anything like that at all. I just want you to know that what I feel for you is genuine and not some attempt to get over a broken heart.”

Y/N spoke up placing a hand on his cheek gently caressing stopping him before he spiraled further. “It doesn’t bother me. I mean…yeah it sounds like it was a mess and the hooking up at work thing is a little…awkward…but it doesn’t bother me. I mean, it was before you even knew me. It’d be pretty dumb for me to be upset about a relationship you had before we even met.”

Jimmy let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding as the words left him, he needing to be sure. “You know that you aren’t a rebound, right?”

She gave him a soft smile continuing to stroke his cheek. “I know I’m not.”

She paused her hand pulling from his cheek her stomach knotting up as she rested her hand against his chest. She felt the words leave her. “Trust me, I know when I’m someone’s rebound.”

Jimmy frowned as she spoke again staring down at her own hand unable to meet his eyes. “It’s a story for another time.”

Jimmy wanted to beg her to tell him the story. He had a feeling it applied to the only ex of hers he really knew very much about. She hadn’t gone into too great of detail in discussing it though. He wanted to beg her to open up to him, but he held it in knowing he couldn’t push her towards something she wasn’t ready for. 

He felt his stomach turn remembering the conversation he’d had with Ducky a few weeks ago. Jimmy had a feeling that Y/N’s history consisted of more hurtful matters than being some guy’s rebound. 

He pushed back the desire to ask her about it all knowing he couldn’t hassle her to tell him anything. It was her stories to tell. All he could do was wait for her to tell them.

He instead chose to try his best to return the conversation back to where it had been before he’d shoved his giant foot into his giant mouth. “I can’t believe you thought I hated you.”

She managed to smile at this the comment lifting her mood. “I didn’t know what else to think. Abby kept insisting that you were just the awkward type, but I was so convinced I’d offended you and you hated my guts.”

Jimmy slid his lips along hers the words spilling from him. “Trust me, I never once hated you.”

She spoke against his kisses a small laugh leaving her. “Trust me, I think that’s pretty obvious…especially right now.”

Neither of them were surprised as their kisses grew more impassioned and needier. Neither was surprised even when Y/N found herself lying against the sofa Jimmy lying on top of her resting between her parted thighs as they continued to make out.

She ran her fingers through his hair messing it a soft moan leaving her as he began to rock against her.

Both Jimmy and Y/N were surprised by the words that left her between kisses. “I want you.”

He parted his lips from hers he staring down at her breathless his body screaming yes. He spoke almost sure he’d somehow misheard her. “What?”

She stared up at him her eyes darkened with lust she unable to ignore the pure desire coursing through her veins. She spoke surprised by how unafraid she felt. “Please, I want you. Make love to me.”

Jimmy couldn’t stop the moan from leaving him at her words. He ignored his own aching need as he spoke needing to be 100 percent sure she was ready for this. “Are you sure?”

She answered him by pressing her lips to his the kiss so chaste compared to the most recent kisses they’d shared. She spoke knowing he wanted a verbal consent. “Yes, I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything before.”

Jimmy took her hand in his sure that he was shaking. If he was, she didn’t mention it as she led him down the hall towards her bedroom.

He kicked his shoes off allowing socks to follow as they made their way down the hall, he knowing nothing would kill the mood quicker than him pausing everything to take his loafers and socks off once they reached her bedroom.

Her lips met his again as they did reach her bedroom her arms wrapping around his shoulders. He allowed his hands to slide down her body caressing her.

He only pulled back as she gently removed his glasses moving away from him to place his glasses on the dresser not wanting anything to happen to them.

He pulled her back towards him his lips meeting hers again.

She giggled as they fell back against her bed Jimmy wasting no time to move over on top of her once again resuming the position, they’d taken on her sofa, a few minutes ago.

He rocked against her unable to stop the moan from leaving him. If she felt this good right now, he was almost sure his brain would explode the second he got inside of her.

She moved gently unfastening the buttons to his dress shirt Jimmy working it off his body tossing it across the room. She moved to remove his undershirt but didn’t have the chance as Jimmy began working on pulling the pretty lavender sweater she’d worn tonight up and over her head. 

He tossed it across the room groaning at the sight of the lacy white bra she wore. She lifted her back enough to allow him to unfasten her bra he moaning as her breasts were revealed to him. He’d had a pretty good idea of their size and he’d seen her in her bra before…but seeing her sans bra was better than all of his fantasies combined. 

He began to press kisses down her neck working his way slowly towards her breasts. She gasped one hand grasping at her bedsheets the other running through his hair as he locked his lips over one of her breasts. He allowed his hand to massage her other breast as he sucked and lapped at her breast her nipple hardening, her moans spurring him on. His fingers aptly worked her nipple his tongue doing the same to her other breast. 

She arched her back her fingers grasping at the sheets harder. She’d never thought that something as simple as him focusing on her breasts could feel so amazing…then again most of her exes hadn’t really spent too much time on foreplay. It was obvious that Jimmy didn’t skimp on foreplay.

He moved his attention to her other breast giving it the same exact undivided attention unable to stop himself from moaning against her skin it clear that he was enjoying this as much as she was.

She whimpered when he pulled from her breasts her nipples erect her skin damp from his ministrations.

He wanted to capture the sight in his memory forever, but a soft moan of his name returned him to his previous course.

She gasped as he pressed his lips down her torso his kisses soft and adoring. He unzipped her skirt sliding it down her body and tossing it across the room.

Her tights followed he thankfully not ripping them as he removed them. He stared down at her a moan leaving him. She gazed at him her cheeks flushing as it hit her she’d not worn the sexiest pair of panties for this endeavor. She hadn’t exactly planned on this though. The plain blue cotton boyshorts she wore didn’t exactly scream sexy. She had a feeling though that judging by the lust behind Jimmy’s eyes he didn’t hold that same opinion.

He stared up at her as his fingers slid underneath the waistband of her panties. “Is this okay?”

She nodded her head eagerly barely managing to work the words out of her surprised by how needy her voice sounded. “Yes please.”

Jimmy gave her a small smile unable to stop himself from teasing her his lips pressing to her hip. “So polite.’

She giggled at the comment easing some of her nerves. She felt her cheeks flush as he slid her panties down her legs tossing them aside.

Her first instinct was the snap her thighs shut wanting to hide from him. 

He didn’t give her that option though as he moved down her body pressing his lips to her knee working his way slowly up her thigh. He stopped as he reached her upper thigh his face so close but so far away.

He repeated the action to her other leg bypassing her core completely choosing instead to press his lips to her hips.

She whimpered unsure if she could take his teasing much longer. She was tempted to beg him, but she didn’t have to as he finally leaned in licking one long stripe up her center. She gasped her back arching her hand returning to grasp at his curls.

Jimmy worked slowly flattening his tongue and lapping at her center his movements languid and gentle he clearly intent on taking his time and enjoying this. 

He worked her for a long while lapping at her his tongue alternating between lapping at her slowly and moving a little quicker judging by her reactions. He found a speed that seemed to make her gasp he keeping the pace. 

She dared to glance down at him gasping at the sight of him between her thighs his eyes staring up at her. He moaned against her the sensation causing her to buck her hips her head falling back.

He used his hand to spread her lips giving him access to her clit. He lapped at the sensitive little bud her fingers digging into his scalp causing him to groan. 

He kept the pace lapping her from her perineum all the way up to her clit. She gasped as he began to hyper-focus her clit stroking it gently with his tongue as he fingers traced her slit.

He pressed one finger into her groaning at the sensation of her so hot and tight around him. His cock throbbed at how incredibly tight and soaked she was. 

He worked his finger slowly crooking it at the best angle to bring the most pleasure. She gasped her hips rocking encouraging him as he added another finger his tongue still lapping at her clit.

He was far too amazing at this. She wasn’t sure if anyone had ever managed to make this feel this good before. For the most part, her exes either had refused to go down on her or they just half-assed it until she had to fake an orgasm, so they’d move on.

It was becoming pretty clear that she wasn’t going to have to fake anything with Jimmy. 

He continued to finger her his tongue stimulating her clit the pace he’d set working her closer and closer towards the edge. 

She whined his name spilling from her lips as she got closer and closer. He gazed up at her his eyes locking with hers as he worked her closer to her end.

Her head fell back her back arching as she felt herself sliding closer and closer. Jimmy groaned against her as he watched the hand that had previously been grasping at the sheets work her breast she tugging against her erect nipple.

Her thighs shook as she felt herself falling over the edge a moan spilling from her. Jimmy continued to finger her continuing to work her clit as she came her center contracting around his digits. He grunted his cock aching almost painfully at the sensation he so desperate to be inside of her soon.

She began to pull from him as she came down from her high his ministrations easily overstimulating her.

He pulled from her his lips pressing to her stomach working his way up her body. His lips met hers a small gasp leaving her at the taste of her on his lips and the dampness left behind.

She took him by surprise gently pushing him down as she began her descent down his body. She pulled his undershirt up and over him a moan leaving her at the sight of his bare torso. She’d already known that he was pretty fit. He claimed that he felt better when he exercised, and his abs showed that he’d worked hard to care for his physical health. The sight was enough to spur her on she moving down his body pressing kisses to his skin.

He groaned as she reached his belt unfastening it wasting no time to unzip his trousers. He worked them down his legs kicking them off somewhere onto the floor.

He moaned as she continued to press her lips down his body pressing soft kisses against the obvious bulge in his boxers. Her hand massaged it a moan leaving her at the girthy feel of him. 

She placed her fingers at the waistband of his boxers beginning to work them down his hips fully intent on returning the treatment he’d just given her.

He spoke somehow managing to be the King of Awkward even in a moment where most of the blood wasn’t even focused on his brain. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

She gazed up at him he feeling his cheeks flush more from embarrassment than desire. He spoke clearing his throat. “I just..I-I don’t want you to think I expect it you know? I don’t want you to think I expect you to return the favor just because I went down on you.”

She gave him a soft smile having to wonder how he could still manage to be so sweet even when he was about to get a blow job. He was willing to ignore the clear desire he felt if he thought it would make her comfortable.

She didn’t think she could adore him anymore if she tried. She spoke making it very clear this wasn’t about returning any favors. “I want to make you feel good Jimmy. Trust me, I want this.”

He groaned nodding his head eagerly as he helped her remove his boxers.

She gasped at the sight of him hard and leaking against his stomach. She had an idea of his size given that she’d felt him against her each time they’d made out but seeing him bare and unrestrained left her speechless.

She pressed her lips against his hips and his thighs slowly taking her time avoiding the one place he wanted her lips so badly. He wanted to cry out when her lips finally met the underside of his cock pressing delicate little pecks to him almost so light he could barely feel them.

His hand reached down running through her hair pushing it back so he could see just what she did to him.

She gazed up at him as she took his cock in her hand pressing her lips to his tip. He groaned as she delicately ran her tongue along his tip lapping at the pre-cum already desperately leaking from him. She used her tongue to circle around the head the sensation causing his head to fall back a deep groan leaving him.

She continued to use the tip of her tongue tracing down the underside of his cock before working her way back up slowly returning to circling the head.

He grunted the hand that wasn’t stroking her hair grasping onto the bedsheets as he tried to will his hips to stay still and to enjoy the slow workup.

She returned to pressing soft kisses against his shaft the action so soft and teasing. She was so sweet; how could she tease him so effortlessly like this?

He moaned when she finally took him between her lips taking as much of him as she could using her hand to stroke what she wasn’t quite ready to take just yet.

He felt his hips rock against his best efforts to hold back as she began to bob her head. She placed a hand at his hips anchoring him down as she continued to slide her lips up and down his cock.

She worked him slowly occasionally taking more of him the longer she bobbed her head. He grunted the sound of him sliding in and out of her mouth making his cock throb. He throbbed all the more as she moaned against him showing him that she was taking just as much pleasure in this as he was.

His head fell back her name spilling from him as she finally took him as close to all the way down to the base as she could reach even as she gagged.

She pulled back from him using her hand to stroke him giving her throat a break.

He stared down at her the sight the most erotic thing he was sure he’d ever seen her eyes dark with lust, her lips swollen, her hand rapidly stroking him. 

He moaned knowing if she kept this up much longer, he was going to finish far sooner than he cared to.

He placed his hand against her stilling her movements she frowning a small part of her fearing that she wasn’t pleasuring him as well as she’d assumed.

Her insecurities died as he spoke knowing he sounded so desperate. “Need you now.”

He gently pulled her up against his body his lips pressing to hers. His hands caressed her nude form the feel of her being pressed skin to skin against him making him moan. 

He gently rolled her over moving over her his lips continuing to press to hers trying to show her how amazing she made him feel.

She managed to pull from his kisses as he parted her thighs resting between them. “Condoms in the bedside table.”

Jimmy moved frantically pulling open the drawer to her bedside table so rapidly he was amazed he hadn’t ripped the drawer straight out.

She felt her cheeks flush as he spotted the one thing, she’d forgotten she kept in that drawer, a moan leaving him. He closed his eyes for a moment overcome with thoughts of her pressing the vibrating wand against her center writhing against the bed. Did she think about him when she used it?

She spoke pulling him from his fantasy reminding him of his task. “There’s a couple of boxes of condoms in the metal box on the right.”

He found what she was describing she speaking explaining the multitude of boxes. “I wasn’t sure what to buy…you know like size or type…I just wanted to be ready when it happened.”

He gave her a soft smile relieved she’d thought of everything. He found what he was looking for resting back on his knees as he tore open the wrapper.

He placed the metal box back where it belonged shutting the drawer before he turned his attention to the matter at hand.

She watched not helping but to moan at the hiss that left him as he lowered the latex down over himself.

He laid back against her his lips meeting hers as he positioned himself at her entrance. He spoke against the kisses needing to say it. “You’re so beautiful, I…you’re perfect.”

She smiled up at him her first instinct wanting to point out that she was far from perfect, but the praise felt so nice and he seemed so sure of it.

He thrust forward entering her slowly inch by inch giving her time to adjust. She gasped the feel of him inside of her almost foreign. It had been a while since she’d found herself being with anyone. The feel of it was almost overwhelming.

She was almost sure it would be entirely too overwhelming if it was anyone but Jimmy. She couldn’t help but to trust that this would be incredible simply because it was him.

He grunted burying his face against her neck she so tight around him. A self-deprecating voice in the back of his brain told him with as tight as she was he would barely manage to get two pumps in before he came.

He ignored this voice unable to stop himself from speaking. “You’re so tight…feels so good.”

She moaned at his praise unable to stop herself from responding. “You feel so perfect in me.”

He moaned at this comment his lips pressing to her neck. He only began to move as she rocked her hips against him showing him she was more than adjusted to him now.

He set a slow pace wanting to soak up the feeling of sliding in and out of her, wanting to soak up how incredible this felt. If he was being honest he could admit it had never felt this way before with anyone.

Every little gasp and moan that left her spurred him on motivating him to keep making her feel good. She deserved to feel so good. 

He pulled from her neck his eyes locking with hers wanting the intimacy of staring into her eyes as he thrust in and out of her. She ran her hands up his back caressing his warm skin her senses so overwhelmed at the moment. 

He held himself up with one arm allowing the other to massage her breast the action causing more soft gasps leaving her.

Her eyes closed as he pressed his lips against her’s soft moans intermingling between them as he continued to rock in and out of her keeping the pace she seemed to be enjoying.

He groaned as she locked her legs around his hips shifting her hips enough to allow him to thrust into her at a deeper angle. 

The cry of his name that left her lips made him moan he so easily mimicking the action her name leaving his lips.

He picked up his pace a little bit she encouraging him with more moans of his name. He’d never loved the sound of his name more than in this moment.

He pulled his hand from her breast placing it against the small of her back caressing her as he continued to move within her wanting to keep her as close to him as possible. 

Their bodies grew damp with perspiration the longer they rocked against one another the sound of their moans and his body meeting hers filling the room.

There were a million things he wanted to say to her right now but he couldn’t manage all the words he only managing to babble her name followed by praises: beautiful, perfect, so tight and hot, feels good.

She moaned her hand sliding between them her fingers working her clit. Jimmy moaned as it hit him just what she was doing.

He felt the words slide from him his pace picking up even more. “That’s it. Oh, baby. Fuck yes, touch yourself for me. Help me make you feel so good. Wanna make you cum. Please baby need it.”

She gasped not having guessed Jimmy would ever be into talking dirty and never having guessed she’d love it so much.

His encouragement pushed her to do just what he was asking she rubbing her clit doubling the pleasure he brought her.

She moaned stunned he was making her feel this good. This was more than she’d imagined it would be.

She wasn’t sure if sex had ever felt this way with anyone before. She knew for a fact not one of her past lovers looked at her the way Jimmy was looking at her at this moment. He was looking at her as though he was in awe that this was even happening and as though he was in absolute awe of her in general.

She’d never felt more worshiped than she did at this moment. It was something she could get accustomed to. Jimmy might not know it yet, but after experiencing this with him she never wanted to let him go.

Jimmy continued to stare down at her almost feeling breathless at the sight of her, her skin flushed, her lips parted moans spilling from them, her eyes fluttering she so lost in pleasure that she struggled to stare back up at him. 

She spoke not even recognizing her own voice. She’d never heard herself sound so sultry before. “I’m close.”

He spoke urging her on. “Fuck, me too. Come on baby let go for me. Cum for me beautiful, please cum for me.”

She moaned shocked that she felt herself slide so close to the edge his statement all it took to push her over.

She came so hard she was almost sure she drew blood as her nails dug into his back. If she did manage to draw a drop of blood he didn’t seem to notice as he soaked in the way her center contracted around him pushing him so close to his end.

Jimmy followed her right over the edge he trembling his hips grinding against her as he released into the condom. 

They both breathed heavily Jimmy unwilling to pull from her body just yet and she unwilling to allow him to do so.

Their lips met kissing lazily their bodies still trembling both so drained and euphoric as they came down from their orgasms.

Jimmy reluctantly pulled from her as his body began to grow more relaxed, he almost sure he’d crush her under his weight though he knew the thought was ridiculous.

He stared down at his spent member a soft moan leaving him. 

Y/N rolled over curling up beside him Jimmy lifting his arm allowing her to rest her head against his chest.

She spoke lifting her arm lazily to point at the bedside table. “Should be tissues there.”

He reached out finding a tissue and making quick work of removing the condom and bundling it up in the tissue. He was thankful to spot a wicker wastebasket by the bed he successfully tossing the condom in it.

He relaxed back against her his arms encircling her needing to hold her as close as possible as they both took in what they’d just experienced.

Y/N spoke her voice drowsy. “That was…it was amazing.”

Jimmy felt his heart swoon at the words he fast to agree. “It was. It was so much more than I dreamed it would be.”

She spoke her eyes growing heavy a giggle leaving her. “You dreamed about it?”

Jimmy spoke surprised that any bashfulness he might usually feel over his confession was too far away for him to grasp. “So much, way too much actually.”

She giggled at his comment the confession making her own cheeks flush from more than their previous activities. 

Jimmy pressed a kiss to her temple his eyes growing heavy the post-orgasmic haze leaving him feeling as though he could sleep for days.

He managed to find the energy to work the sheets and quilt over their nude bodies the room a little too cool to sleep uncovered.

He allowed himself to completely relax in the warmth of her bed. He tried his best to fight off sleep as he spoke his voice clearly drowsy. “It was perfect, you’re perfect. So perfect”

Y/N watched him drift off to sleep the words dancing around in her. She didn’t allow them to leave her as she snuggled against him. It wasn’t the right time to say the words that were threatening to spill right out of her.

The words seemed so obvious though as did the feeling behind them.

She kept the words inside saying them in her head. “I’m falling in love with you.”

She allowed her own eyes to close promising herself that those were words for another time.

When the time was right, she would say those words to him. She only hoped he would say them in return.

God help her if he didn’t say them in return.

……………………………………………

The next morning should have been spent in bed feeling lazy and playful. They should have woken up kissing and giggling recalling the events from last night. They maybe even should have had a round two before they took a shower and enjoyed a late breakfast.

It turns out though that murder didn’t take a break not even on Saturday mornings. They’d both woken to the sounds of their cell phones chiming with news of a case.

Jimmy had barely managed to take a quick shower before he’d left for Norfolk to head to a crime scene with Ducky.

Y/N had at least had the privilege of taking a longer shower she choosing to drive herself to work that morning.

Thankfully the morning was slow thus far despite the desperate need to be called into work on a weekend. It wouldn’t pick up until evidence was brought from the crime scene. So, Y/N knew to enjoy the peace while she could. 

Y/N had just been thankful she’d remembered her earbuds to block out Abby’s usual choice in Industrial metal. Occasionally Y/N could tolerate it, but most of the time she kept at least one earbud in and played something a little less intense.

She was just relieved that Abby didn’t seem to mind her obvious disinterest in her choice of music.

The morning had been so slow that it stunned her that the day had gone to hell so quickly.

She hadn’t expected Ducky to walk into the lab the look in his eyes clear that there was something wrong. She felt a sense of dread wash over her as he made his way to her his brow furrowed distress written all over his face.

The words that left him made Y/N’s breath leave her body. “There was an incident at the crime scene. Someone fired a gun at Mr. Palmer.”

Y/N felt bile rise in her throat her knees almost giving out underneath her. If Ducky hadn’t reached for her she would have collapsed. 

He spoke again quick to reassure her. “Jimmy is okay, he’s okay. He dropped to the ground when the shot was fired. He’s just a little shook up. I had gone to the van to retrieve the gurney for the deceased. Nothing seemed out of sort. Mr. Palmer was readying the body for transportation. I’m not sure what happened in between me leaving and the gunshot going off. All I know is that he found an assailant and pursued them and the assailant pulled a gun. Mr. Palmer was lucky. The assailant got away which has placed us into this mess.”

Y/N barely noticed Abby’s attempts to comfort her rubbing her back concern written all over her as she spoke. “It’s going to be okay.”

Y/N spoke her voice frantic panic running through her. “Where is he?”

She had to see him. She needed to go to him. She had to see that he was okay with her own eyes.

Ducky explained it giving her a look of sympathy. “He’s upstairs being interviewed. The director and Gibbs are with him trying to collect a statement.”

Y/N frowned still wanting to go to Jimmy even if she had to get through Gibbs and the director. She felt bile rise in her throat again knowing that if he was being interviewed, she would only be in the way if she went to him. She had a feeling no matter how desperate she was Gibbs wouldn’t hesitate to have Tony or Ziva intervene and keep her out of the way while Jimmy was being interviewed.

Ducky apparently sensed her thoughts he fast to reassure her. “He will come to you the second his interview ends. I promised him I would let you know what’s happening. Trust me, Y/N, Mr. Palmer will be fine. Gibbs will make sure of it; we all will.”

He took a deep breath holding back his own fear. It wasn’t Jimmy that worried him so much, it was the assailant that worried Ducky. Jimmy may claim that he didn’t get a good look at the man who had shot him but had the man got a good look at Jimmy.

He kept these thoughts to himself knowing Y/N didn’t need that fear added on to her already crippling anxiety of this entire situation. 

He spoke again giving her arm a reassuring squeeze. “I need to get back to Autopsy. Please come get me if you need anything at all.”

Y/N barely managed to nod her head her mind a mess. How could this be happening? 

She felt her breathing become shallow as she attempted to fight off a panic attack. How could this have happened?

Things had been so wonderful just last night. Jimmy and she had made love for the first time and it had been so perfect. They’d both been so happy this morning even when they’d been called into work on a weekend. Jimmy had been so cheerful even as he’d rushed out of her apartment pressing a quick kiss to her lips.

Everything had felt so wonderful. She never could have guessed that her boyfriend would be heading right into danger.

She felt her panic only calm slightly as Abby hugged her fast to attempt to provide comfort. “It’s going to be okay. Jimmy is in the best hands. Ducky is right, Gibbs will make sure everything is alright. We’re going to make sure everything is okay.”

Y/N felt the words leave her panic still rolling through her. “I just…I never thought this would be a possibility. I mean, he’s supposed to have the safe job. He’s not an NCIS agent, he’s supposed to be safe. What if he wasn’t so lucky? I’m not supposed to have to worry about him dying when he goes to a crime scene.”

Abby was fast to reassure her. “He is safe, okay. You can’t think about what-ifs.”

Y/N closed her eyes unable to let go of all the what-ifs, as she remembered the words she’d held back the night before.

What if Jimmy had been shot? What if he’d died before she ever got the chance to say the words.

She spoke her voice so soft Abby almost didn’t hear her. “I almost told him that I’m falling in love with him last night…I just…I held back saying the words, I was afraid it’s too soon for it, and the time didn’t feel right. He could have died and I would have avoided telling him how I feel.”

Abby squeezed her tighter so fast to find the words Y/N needed to hear. “You can still tell him how you feel.”

Y/N nodded her head, knowing Abby was right.

Y/N loved Jimmy Palmer, and she still had a chance to tell him. There were so many things she wanted to tell him.


	2. Nothing Painful

As the day wore on Y/N didn’t hear anything from Jimmy nor any news about him. It had been hours and the workday was close to ending. The sun had already set outside, but still there had been no word of how Jimmy was doing.

As the hours ticked by Y/N found herself growing gradually more and more anxious.

McGee had taken some sympathy on her at the very least reassuring her that Jimmy was still being interviewed but was just having some issues recalling every detail about what had happened. He’d reassured her that Jimmy would be fine.

Y/N wasn’t sure she believed it though. Jimmy had been at this interview for hours now. Did it usually take this long? She wasn’t sure how long giving a statement usually took someone?

Evidence had been brought over from the crime scene and now sat in Abby’s lab, but Y/N found herself unable to feel as though she was of any use when it came to actually assisting Abby with any of it.

Thankfully, Abby had been fast to reassure Y/N that she could handle it on her own. Though Y/N had a feeling that when Abby had spotted Y/N’s shaking hands that she’d decided to keep Y/N far from the evidence for now.

Y/N wasn’t sure if she felt relieved or frustrated by her inability to focus on her work. Part of her wanted to dive right into the evidence and work as long as it took until whoever had committed the murder and had most likely attempted to shoot Jimmy was apprehended. She felt frustrated that she was so unable to do anything useful at the moment. She’d been hired to help Abby after all, and it seemed that she was incapable of managing that simple task.

The other part of her understood she’d be absolutely useless when it came to analyzing any of the evidence even if she tried. She understood it was probably for the best that she didn’t work until she could give it her all. She wasn’t sure she was in the right state of mind to be of any assistance to Abby. She was not sure her brain was capable of even processing anything at the moment other than an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety. She was almost thankful that no one was forcing her to attempt to compartmentalize her feelings at the moment and focus on work.

She kept replying the words she’d cried to Abby earlier in the day. “He could have died, and I would have avoided telling him how I feel. “

The thought would not leave her brain.

Y/N found herself pacing around Abby’s lab her mind caught in an endless loop going over and over all the what ifs.

If Jimmy had been any slower at dropping to the ground, he would have been shot. What if he’d been shot? Would it be a near fatal injury or a minor one? If he had been shot would she be sitting up at a hospital right now hoping he would recover? If he had been shot and killed on the spot then what would she have done? Would she be sitting mourning him as he lie dead down in the morgue drawer in Autopsy? Would she have to sit here with the knowledge that he was lying cold and lifeless waiting for Ducky or whoever was unfortunate enough to have to perform an autopsy on him?

She kept thinking about all the bodies she’d witnessed lying dead down in Autopsy any time she dropped by to visit with Ducky and Jimmy or drop by a piece of evidence. It had never bothered her before because she’d never allowed herself to focus on them. She’d viewed them the same way she’d viewed the bodies she’d seen on her grandfather’s embalming table. She’d told herself that they weren’t her loved ones, and it wasn’t her grief.

She knew though that she wouldn’t be able to make that separation in her mind if it was Jimmy on that autopsy table.

The thoughts made her feel sick to her stomach.

She couldn’t stop herself from thinking back on how she’d been so hesitant when Jimmy had first confessed his feelings for her. He had to try so hard to convince her to just give him a chance and to let go of those fears.

She could still remember his promise that if everything fell apart that he’d be right there to fix it with her. She’d been so afraid then.

She had been so sure that if she gave him a chance then it would only end in disaster. It seemed like most things in her life ended in disaster, so why should Jimmy be any different?

She’d been so wrong though. Jimmy had gone above and beyond in proving to her that things between them could work.

He’d been amazing right from the start. It was in all the sweet little things he’d done for her thus far in their relationship. Like how he still gave her rides to work in the mornings because he knew her car was finicky at best and he hated the thought of her car breaking down on the way into work. It was the tea and the fresh blueberry scone he’d brought her when he’d known she was stressed out trying to help Abby perform maintenance on the variety of equipment down in the lab. It was in how he bought her a bouquet of sunflowers on their second date because he remembered overhearing her talking to Abby about how she thought that roses were pretty but overrated and she much preferred sunflowers or wildflowers to roses.

It was in how he’d been so quick to hold her hand right from that very first date onwards. He was always so eager to show her some sort of affection even in the tiniest act. It was in how he was so shy about kissing her at first, almost as though he was frightened that kissing her too often would cause her to pull from him. He’d confessed that his past girlfriends had found him to be clingy at times, and she’d had to reassure him that she didn’t find him to be clingy. He’d been a little nervous about getting too affectionate on those first few dates, aside from holding her hand and kissing if she initiated it. That had changed of course after those first few dates when it had become clear to him that she wasn’t going anywhere. After that it had seemed that he couldn’t stop kissing her, and she never wanted him to stop.

There was also the way he had seemed so shy the first time she had slept over at his apartment. He had offered to take the sofa, but she’d insisted that they share a bed. She could still remember how he had seemed so surprised when she’d cuddled up against him, but the smile on his face when it had happened had made her want to cuddle him all the more. She had felt so safe sleeping by his side that night and she’d been relieved to do so practically every night since then. When he’d held her against him, she’d felt as though nothing, and no one could touch her. She knew that most people probably didn’t look at Jimmy Palmer and think of him as a protector, but Y/N couldn’t help but to trust that he’d do anything it took to protect her if it came down to it. He had proven that when he’d gotten into that fist fight over her, hadn’t he?

The sweetness of their relationship had continued in all those phone calls and exchanged text messages they had had when they’d both gone their separate ways to visit their families over the Christmas holiday. He would text her good morning each morning and would call her every night when he went to bed. It had become enough of an occurrence that her grandfather had pestered her over how she was smiling at her cell phone and text messages in it more than once.

Jimmy had been so patient with her letting her call all the shots when it came to intimacy. He’d not once pushed her for more than she was willing to give him. He had followed her lead no questions asked.

She kept thinking about last night, the way he had looked at her as they made love for the first time. He had stared at her with such devotion. She had never had anyone look at her that way before. It had made her feel so vulnerable and so incredibly worshiped all at once.

The simple fact was that if Jimmy Palmer had died today, Y/N knew she would never be okay again.

The thought both unnerved her and comforted her. She wasn’t accustomed to depending on someone that way. She’d had to learn to take care of herself at a young age.

Her parents’ divorce had been rough and then her mother had died so suddenly, and she’d been left with a father who hadn’t wanted any part in raising his children.

Even as her grandparents had taken in her brothers and her and loved them and raised them the best they could, Y/N had still felt the need to be wary of becoming too dependent on others.

Her father’s abandonment hadn’t helped her learn to place her trust in others. He’d gone off and started his own family after dumping her brothers and her off with his parents. It had been as though he wanted to have a clean slate, a perfect cookie cutter family that didn’t consist of Y/N or her brothers.

Occasionally he’d made contact with Y/N and her brothers, though that usually just resulted in arguments and dysfunction.

Y/N had tried in the past to make an honest effort to let people in and trust in them.

The few times Y/N let her guard down it had only resulted in pain though.

Her relationships had always reinforced the idea that she would only get hurt when she let her guard down. The men she’d attracted had taught her far too much about pain.

Jimmy was the first person who had ever shown her that love didn’t have to be painful. She’d found comfort with him.

She knew that if anything ever happened to him then she would never recover.

Y/N was shaken from these thoughts as Tony spoke up the man having watched her pace around the lab long enough. He had come down to pester Abby about how far they’d gotten with the evidence and had been watching her assistant pace the lab wringing her hands together for a long while now. “Y/N I get that you’re freaking out right now, but enough with the pacing already.”

She stared up at him a small frown crossing her features not missing the sour look Abby sent Tony. Abby was quick to speak trying to smooth things over. “What he means to say is that you should sit down and try to take a deep breath. You’re going to make yourself sick if you keep it up. Jimmy is going to be okay.”

Tony nodded in agreement another comment flying form his lips. “Yeah, Palmer will be fine, the autopsy gremlin will be back down in the basement avoiding direct sunlight come tomorrow.”

Y/N was the one who sent Tony a sour look this time a scoff escaping her lips as she spoke ignoring his remark. “I can’t believe this is happening. None of it feels real. I keep thinking it’s a bad dream. I feel so useless right now. I cannot focus long enough to do my job. I hate feeling this useless. I won’t be able to relax until this is all over and the bastard that tried to kill him is either sitting in jail or is dead.”

Abby was quick to speak trying her best to reassure her. “And we’re going to make sure that happens.”

The conversation didn’t have a chance to resume as the lab doors opened an exhausted Jimmy finally appearing.

Y/N was fast to rush over to him her arms encircling his waist she burying her face against his chest. He embraced her just as tightly taking a deep breath taking in the usual scent that surrounded her.

He’d begun to associate the smell with comfort. It was a mixture of scents; her floral perfume, a trace of the fabric softener she used, the sweet scent of the body lotion she used combined with the fruity smell of the shampoo and body wash she bathed in. The combined smells made him feel at ease at the moment when he very much felt so out of control.

He felt his throat tighten he frustrated and exhausted. “Director Vance is sending me home. I have to come back to the lab first thing tomorrow and see if Abby and you can help me draw a sketch so we can get a bolo out.”

Y/N was fast to reach up her hand pressing to his cheek concern washing over her as he spoke again struggling to explain what had taken him so long. “I can’t make my brain work right now. It’s just…It all happened so fast.”

She was quick to speak wanting to offer reassurance. “It’s been a long day. I’m sure if you get some rest then things will seem clearer tomorrow.”

Abby was just as quick to reassure him agreeing with Y/N. “Y/N’s right. You’ve had a long day. We’ll start back up first thing tomorrow and figure this all out.”

Even Tony tried to offer some support thankfully dropping his usual sarcasm. “Yeah Palmer, just go get some rest.”

Jimmy let out a soft sigh the same words leaving him that he’d just said the Director Vance just moments ago. “I’m sorry I couldn’t catch him.”

Y/N furrowed her brow wanting so badly to point out the obvious. The man had a gun, what did Jimmy expect to do had he caught him?

She held it in though knowing this was the last thing he needed to hear at the moment. Instead she spoke running her thumb along his cheek soothingly. “Let’s go get you something to eat and go get some rest okay? Your place or mine?”

“Your place please.” Jimmy responded without any hesitation knowing he wanted nothing more at the moment other than to be at her apartment where he knew he could sink into her bed and escape from everything that had occurred today. The idea of being so surrounded by everything that reminded him of her sounded soothing.

He barely acknowledged the goodbyes or the worried looks thrown his way as he followed Y/N out of the lab and towards the elevators.

His brain was too caught in his own self-loathing. Why couldn’t he remember anything useful? Why couldn’t he have been braver?

…………………………………………………………

Jimmy had picked at his dinner barely eating any of it. Y/N had been insistent that they stop and get something to eat. He hadn’t eaten yet and she knew him well enough to know that his blood sugar would plummet if he didn’t eat dinner. He got lightheaded if he didn’t even have a small snack during the day. He couldn’t skip meals. He needed to eat, she’d pointed out, or he would feel awful later. He hadn’t had much of an appetite though and had wound up taking most of his sandwich and salad home in a to go container.

His mood hadn’t lifted even as he’d changed into his sleep clothes relieved they’d long ago begun leaving spare pieces of clothing at one another’s apartments.

Even being surrounded by all the things that reflected Y/N’s taste and personality through her décor hadn’t soothed his mind the way he hoped it would.

He had a distinct feeling that rest wouldn’t come to him easily even as he sank into Y/N’s bed warm underneath the pale blue sheets and the colorful purple and pink quilt she rested over the bed. Even the distinct memory that they’d made love in this bed the night before didn’t bring Jimmy the comfort or the warmth he’d needed.

He found himself sitting up in her bed staring at the closed bathroom door the sound of her shower running behind it becoming white noise as he tried his best to recall everything that had happened back at the crime scene.

It was as though someone had placed a block on his memory and he second guessed everything he thought he might have seen. The details weren’t as clear as they should be.

As hard as he tried his brain remained muddled and his thoughts remained unclear.

He was pulled from his thoughts as the bathroom door opened Y/N appearing. She’d taken one of his shirts needing to feel closer to him after all that had happened today. Though the t shirt was a little snugger across the curve of her body it was still a welcome sight.

She made her way towards the bed her hand running through her hair pushing it back relieved she’d at least remembered to blow dry her hair before bed she never enjoying sleeping with wet hair.

She climbed into bed beside him not taking the usual position they’d been taking at night, with her head resting over his chest, but Jimmy found himself being the one who rested against her allowing her to wrap her arms around him. He allowed his head to rest against her breasts as he clung to her.

She ran a soothing hand through his hair her voice soft. “I was afraid for you. When Ducky told me what happened…I almost collapsed. I just…I was so afraid and then it took so long for the interview to end and I was so scared for you, of what could have happened to you.”

He managed to speak squeezing her all the tighter. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid…I don’t know how Tony or Ziva or McGee or Gibbs does it…blocks out the fear. I saw the gun and I was frozen in place. I don’t even know how I managed to drop to the ground in time…it all just happened so fast.”

He paused that self-loathing feeling washing over him again. “I should have been able to catch him. I let him get away.”

Y/N couldn’t hold back the words this time around. “Jimmy he had a gun. What would you have done had you caught him?”

Jimmy pulled from her his voice raising guilt and self-hatred coursing through him. He knew he sounded so harsh but he couldn’t stop himself from lashing out. “I know that, the gun was pointed at me! I know I’m not some badass NCIS agent like Tony or Gibbs, but I could have figured something out! I let him get away and now I can’t even remember a thing about him, and everyone can see how useless I am!”

He cringed as he noticed the way she jolted at his outburst. Now he’d gone and done it. He’d lashed out at the one person trying to provide him with reassurance. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t be anything like the crappy guys she’d dated before him, and here he was lashing out at her when she only wanted to help him.

He was being a jerk to the one person he didn’t want to disappoint.

He spoke curling back up against her not helping but to cling to her fearing he’d screwed everything up. His voice sounded weak as he squeezed her so tightly. “I’m sorry.”

She went back to running her hand through his hair giving him the mercy his brain told him he didn’t deserve. “It’s okay Jimmy.”

“It’s not okay. You were just trying to help. I shouldn’t have lashed out like that.” He insisted still feeling like hot garbage at the moment.

She spoke her comment only making him feel worse. “I’ve had far worse done to me Jimmy.”

“I wish you’d tell me about it.” The response rolled through his head, but he kept it in not wanting to push her into anything, not right now when she just had to put up with him being so angry.

He instead chose to speak needing to say the words. “You didn’t deserve it. I can promise you that you didn’t deserve it.”

She squeezed him a little tighter not sure what to say in response to this. She instead decided to say the only thing she could think to say. “I don’t need you to be like Tony or Gibbs. I only need you to be you.”

He squeezed his eyes shut wanting to tell her that he wasn’t good enough. Didn’t she see it? He was so useless right now.

He only spoke his voice tight. “I know.”

She frowned unsure that his response indicated that he actually believed her. She was lost as to what she could do to make him believe though. It seemed as though it was so far beyond her. She didn’t know what to do.

She wanted so badly to make everything feel okay. She felt so powerless at the moment.

So, she did the only thing she could. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head her fingers continuing to run through his curls.

All she could do right now was hold him. She’d hold him as long as he needed it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It was clear that Jimmy’s head wasn’t any clearer the next morning. He’d done his best to describe the assailant he’d pursued to Abby as she worked up a sketch on her computer.

Y/N stood aside watching a frown crossing her features as she watched the image on Abby’s computer. It didn’t look like any man she’d ever seen. It barely looked human.

Jimmy spoke clearly not seeing what Abby and Y/N saw. “That’s it, that’s the guy.”

“That’s the guy?” Y/N asked confusion washing over her.

Abby was quick to add on. “That’s the guy who picked up the passport?”

Jimmy remained clueless as to what was wrong with the image. “Yeah. Why, what’s wrong?”

He stared back at the image on the screen Abby being the one who broke it to him. “So, you got shot at by Dr. Jekyll?”

Jimmy sighed still not seeing exactly what the girls saw. He spoke correcting Abby’s statement. “I think you’re referring to Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll’s the one who invented the potion. But look yeah, you have captured his essence perfectly. His anger, his intent. His bloodlust.”

Y/N spoke being the one who choose to break the news to him this time. “His likeness?”

Abby provided agreeing. “His likeness, that’s kind of the point here.”

Y/N spoke trying to reassure him as he sighed moving away from the desk it clear that he was growing frustrated with the process. “Let’s start over. You said it was a white guy right, late middle aged?”

Jimmy rested his hands on his hips unable to stop himself from venting. “I couldn’t catch him, and now I can’t even identify him.”

Y/N was quick to move making her way over to him placing a hand against his back as he began to pace. He spoke deciding to just come out and say it. “I’m sure Gibbs thinks I’m completely useless.”

Y/N was fast to respond. “You aren’t useless. You could never be useless.”

Abby stood up just as fast to try to reassure him. “No, Jimmy. You chased a crazy guy with a gun. You’re a stud muffin…not saying that to hit on you, I promise Y/N…but seriously Jimmy, you’re an iron fist with a velvet glove. You’re baby Gibbs.”

Y/N smiled slightly at Abby’s declaration. She spoke as Jimmy glanced at her for confirmation. “Definitely, it was such a Gibbs move.”

The comment did manage to make a small smile cross Jimmy’s lips though it came out a little weaker than his usual smiles. “Really?”

Both women spoke fast to agree. “Really, now come on let’s try again.”

Jimmy let them lead him back to the computer he fast to speak as he regathered his thoughts. “Try making the bridge of the nose flatter.”

……………………..

The next few times he tried to build a sketch were just as unsuccessful as the first. He was quickly growing frustrated enough that Y/N had to step in and convince him to take a walk with her.

His mood continued to lower as the day wore on and he found himself nowhere closer to providing useful information as he’d been the night before.

He’d been unable to even remember what the passport he’d seen looked like. All he could remember was that the passport was dark blue.

Apparently though dark blue was the most popular passport color in the world. Remembering that the passport was blue narrowed it down to about 72 passports.

McGee had the bright idea to try hypnotization to see if it could trigger Jimmy’s memory. Y/N had left to get lunch for everyone while they tried that route.

She was a little thrown off by the awkward energy in the lab when she returned with lunch.

She spoke frowning at the look of discomfort on Abby and McGee’s faces. “Did we learn anything?”

McGee spoke glancing at Jimmy that look of discomfort still across his face. “Well, we learned something about your boyfriend.”

Jimmy frowned just as confused as Y/N. He spoke an exasperated sigh leaving him. “They won’t tell me what happened.”

McGee glanced down at Y/N’s red ballet flats and back at Jimmy the odd action only furthering Y/N’s confusion. Abby was fast to speak a groan escaping her. “You don’t want to know…trust me.”

She turned the lights back on going to take the Caf Pow Y/N had brought her.

Jimmy was fast to speak his voice frantic. “Wait, we’re just giving up?”

Abby spoke shaking her head. “We aren’t giving up Jimmy.”

McGee was fast to add on. “We’re moving on.”

Jimmy shook his head frantically. No, no, No I have to do this. Please, please try again.”

Abby rolled her eyes flipping the lights back off praying Jimmy didn’t mention shoes this time around.

…………………………………………….

The second round of hypnotizing was unsuccessful. Jimmy’s brain had latched on to the word “shot” and had instead described the man who gave him two shots of espresso on the days Y/N and he had time to stop for coffee in the morning.

He had grown beyond frustrated and the case had grown all the stranger.

Abby had managed to identify the substance that had been found on the corpse Jimmy and Ducky had gone to retrieve yesterday when this whole mess had been kicked off.

It turned out it was residue of the dead man drilling into the concreate at the construction site.

That had led to a body being found buried within the concrete which had lead to Jimmy needing to go assist Ducky with the body.

Y/N had felt bad for almost being grateful for it. She’d hoped that some time spent focusing on assisting Ducky would be good for Jimmy. She had to hope that perhaps his mentor would be able to soothe his self-loathing.

Ducky had attempted to reassure Jimmy, though Y/N wasn’t sure how successful he’d been.

Though Jimmy had at least appreciated Ducky’s comment that he’d much rather prefer for Jimmy “to stay alive and help me examine the dead…and I’m quite sure Y/N would appreciate you staying alive as well.”

The team had arrested a suspect who’d confessed of killing the dead man, but the only problem is it wasn’t the same man who had shot at Jimmy.

That had placed them back at square one.

Y/N knew that Gibbs had checked up on Jimmy that night. She’d tried her best to soothe Jimmy, but he’d insisted he just needed a moment to himself to send an email to his mom.

So she’d left him alone in Autopsy feeling at a loss as to what to do for him. Gibbs had gone to see him then.

She wasn’t sure what Gibbs had said to him, but Jimmy did seem a little lighter when he came up to the lab insisting he was ready to go home and get some rest.

It was now a new day and though Jimmy felt that he hadn’t gotten as much rest as he’d hoped he would.

He’d spent most of his morning going back and forth between Autopsy and the lab. Y/N had at least managed to be in a better state of mind and could actually assist Abby a little bit today.

She had turned her attention to Jimmy though when it had become clear he was still struggling.

He had made the foolish choice to ask Ziva what he should have done if he’d actually managed to catch up the guy who’d shot at him. Ziva had offered to show him how he could disarm the man. This of course had wound up with Ziva quite easily overtaking him only making him feel less capable.

Y/N sighed watching Ziva shove Jimmy’s face down against the desk his arm secured tightly behind his back twisted painfully.

This was apparently what happened when she left her boyfriend alone so she could go get some much needed caffeine from the vending machine. He’d been in Autopsy when she’d left him. She had only caught sight of him since she had to pass the bullpen area on the way to the vending machines. She spoke nodding to Ziva. “Could you not break him please.”

Ziva released him a soft sigh leaving her. “Perhaps it is best that you did not apprehend the shooter.”

Jimmy caught sight of the scrabble board pieces Ziva and McGee had been playing with the day before an idea hitting him.

Y/N stood by fascinated as she watched him push through the pieces across the table. “Okay the first two letters of the first name started with an M and an I. The last name started with an S U S. And the next letter was…”

He began to flounder a bit as Gibbs watched him he struggling to remember the next letter.

McGee entered the room carrying a photo of a printed passport. “Republic of Yugoslavia.”

Jimmy nodded his head pointed at the photo. “That’s the passport”

McGee filled Gibbs in pointing how this helped tie in with the case.

Ziva helped Jimmy discover the remainder of the letters Jimmy finally coming up with the name.

The team was able to track the name discovering more clues about the case Jimmy looking happier than Y/N had seen him in days.

The team was able to pull up a picture of the dead man’s brother, Jimmy staring at it as Director Vance demanded to know if this was the man who’d tried to shoot him.

Jimmy spoke “I don’t know…I-I he didn’t have a beard when I saw him. I’d have to see him in person.”

Tony was fast to speak earning a glare from Y/N. “Yeah that worked out real well for you last time didn’t it Palmer?”

Gibbs didn’t give Tony time to make more comments barking at McGee to run the man’s address.

Jimmy watched as the team gathered their guns ready to take the man in.

He moved to follow the team as they headed out Gibbs turning to stop him. “No, You stay.”

“I can identify him.” Jimmy exclaimed.

Gibbs wasn’t hearing it though. “You will, when we bring him back.”

Y/N placed a hand on Jimmy’s arm as they watched the team leave Jimmy wanting so badly to follow them.

He had failed to be brave the first time. He wanted to prove himself.

He sighed a crazy idea entering his brain. He glanced down at Y/N already knowing she wouldn’t allow it.

He took a deep breath making his choice. He had to do this, even if it meant groveling to her later.

He had to do this.

He spoke the words falling from him hating that he had to lie. “I need fresh air.”

She frowned watching him pull from her heading to the elevators. She moved to follow him but he turned doing his best to hide his true intentions. “I’m fine, I just need a moment to clear my head. I’ll be right back.”

She frowned even more as she watched him walk away.

She had a bad feeling in her gut. Gibbs always said to listen to your gut.

…………………………………………………………………………

Y/N was equally livid and worried sick.

Jimmy wasn’t answering his cell and he’d clearly not just gone out to get fresh air as he’d told her. She maybe had been tempted to have Abby trace his cell…but that seemed to be crossing over into crazy girlfriend territory.

She knew exactly where he’d gone though. She couldn’t believe it.

Ducky watched her pace down in Autopsy she ranting. “I can’t believe him. He’s going to get himself killed.”

Ducky let out a soft sigh silently reminding himself to have a long talk with Jimmy about how hell had no fury like a woman’s scorn. Jimmy should be warned that it probably wasn’t advisable to piss off the woman who knew where you slept. Ducky wondered if perhaps he should see if Gibbs could have a talk with young Mr. Palmer about pissing off the women in your life. Though he had a feeling Gibbs’ divorce record didn’t place him in the best place to give Jimmy relationship advice. No, it was probably best that Ducky be the one to warn Jimmy that pissing off your girlfriend would most likely end badly.

Ducky spoke trying to soothe her worries and hide the amusement from his voice. “He’s with Gibbs. I’m sure Mr. Palmer will be fine.”

Y/N let out a huff crossing her arms as she spoke. “If Gibbs doesn’t kill him then I will.”

Ducky chuckled at this fast to speak. “You would miss him if you killed him. Besides, I’d very much prefer that you don’t murder him. I don’t want to go through the trouble of hiring a replacement for him.”

Y/N couldn’t hide the small smile on her lips. She leaned against Ducky’s desk a soft sigh leaving her the smile dropping from her features. “I think he feels like he has something to prove. He keeps comparing himself to Gibbs and Tony and what he thinks they would have done. I told him I don’t want him to be anyone but him…but he doesn’t see it.”

Ducky nodded his head quick to reassure her repeating the words he’d said to Jimmy the night before. “Mr. Palmer has it in him to die a hero’s death. I have advised him that I would prefer he stay alive and help me in examining the dead. I also pointed out that you would prefer he stay alive.”

Y/N spoke the words falling from her. “I would…I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. It scares me…how afraid I am of losing him. I know we haven’t been together for that long, but things between us have moved so quickly…and as much as it scares me I could never go back to the way my life was before he was in it. I just…I could have lost him and it terrifies me.”

“Fear of losing him should be a good thing. It’s a sign you care a great deal for him.” Ducky pointed out looking up from the body he’d been prepping for the funeral home to come retrieve.

Y/N sighed remembering the words she’d said to Abby, her cries that Jimmy could have died before she got the chance to tell him how she felt. “I do.”

Ducky spoke remembering the conversation he’d had with Jimmy about this very subject. “And he cares a great deal for you. He worries about you. He doesn’t want to pry into matters you’d rather forget. He was very outspoken about his concern. He didn’t give me any details…but from what I’ve understood he suspects that love hasn’t always been kind to you. He’s admitted that much to me.”

She frowned slightly at this information. Jimmy had come to Ducky about this? She wanted to be angry that he’d gone off and blabbed to Ducky about her past…but then again she knew Jimmy didn’t know enough details about her past to blab them to anyone.

Ducky spoke again erasing any irritation she might feel over his prior comment. “He is determined to show you that love can be kind. You just have to have some patience with him my dear. Mr. Palmer’s biggest fault is his heart. It’s too big for his body and he tends to let it make most of his choices. You can set him straight when he needs it, but try to show him some forgiveness too. Like I said, he does care for you a great deal.”

Y/N stared down at her hands clasping them in her lap part of her wanting to spill everything to Ducky, all the ways love had been so unkind to her.

She knew that Ducky wasn’t the one who needed to hear it though. Jimmy was the one.

She didn’t have a chance to focus on the thought for too long as Jimmy entered Autopsy looking a little sheepish.

She made her way over to him taking him by shock as she wrapped her arms around him holding him tight.

He’d expected to be screamed at…a hug was the last thing he expected to walk into.

Y/N spoke a heavy sigh leaving her. “I am so mad at you right now.”

Jimmy felt a weak smile cross his lips he holding her just as tight. “I know. I had to do it though.”

Ducky spoke deciding to give the two some privacy giving Jimmy’s back a pat as he walked by. “We’ll talk later Mr. Palmer.”

Y/N didn’t speak until Ducky was gone. “What were you thinking?”

Jimmy sighed deciding to just be honest. “At first I just wanted to watch…I had to see them take him in. I needed closure.”

He paused speaking again deciding he might have to break the entire story to her slowly. “They got him. He was taken in.”

He pulled back from her taking her hand in his placing it against his cheek as he tried to reassure her. “I’m fine…I’m all in one piece see…my car isn’t doing too hot, but I’m okay.”

“What happened to your car?” Y/N exclaimed cringing at this information her mind jumping to the worst-case scenarios.

Jimmy gave her a sheepish smile as he spoke. “I maybe rammed it into the guy’s car…I had to stop him and it was convenient. He was going to get away if I didn’t do something…I couldn’t let him get away again.”

Y/N sighed rolling her eyes slightly. He was insane, she’d fallen in love with a crazy person.

She spoke the words falling from her. “You’re out of your mind…I’m so mad right now…You lied to me.”

Jimmy cringed deciding it was time to apologize. “I know…I’m sorry. I knew you’d never let me do it…or you’d try to come with me…I couldn’t risk placing you in harms way. I needed to be there.”

She sighed remembering Ducky’s advice to her. Forgiveness. She spoke stroking his cheek the words leaving her. “I am proud of you.”

Jimmy smiled at this the words washing over him making him feel warm. “Really?”

She sighed again a small smile crossing her lips. “I can be angry and proud at the same time.”

She took a deep breath remembering Abby’s words to her. She could still tell Jimmy how she felt.

She spoke the words spilling from her. “I love you.”

Jimmy stared down at her almost sure he’d misheard her.

She cleared her throat fearing his silence meant the worst. She spoke up trying to erase any awkwardness she’d created. “You don’t have to say anything back. I just…I wanted you to know. I understand if you’re not there yet. I just, I can’t keep it in me. I love you Jimmy.”

She was taken by shock as his lips pressed to hers the kiss impassioned. He pulled from it the words leaving him without any hesitation. “I love you too. I love you.”

She buried her face against his chest as he began to rock her in place both of them soaking in the words between them.

She spoke her voice muffled against his chest. “I can’t believe I said I love you for the first time in Autopsy. There’s a dead guy on the table, like twelve feet away from us.”

Jimmy was fast to speak a small laugh leaving him. “It’s kind of odd…but I think it’s appropriate.”

She frowned not quite getting what could be appropriate about this.

He spoke clearing up his statement. “I saw you for the first time in this room. I think I knew I loved you even then.”

She felt the smile cross her lips it hitting her that there was nothing painful about this.

Maybe Ducky was right. Jimmy was going to show her that love wasn’t painful.


End file.
